How to pleasure your partner while in chastity

It’s finally happened - you’ve taken the plunge and been locked up in a chastity device. The source of your desires and fantasies has come to fruition - and your beloved partner has agreed to be your keyholder. But now you’ve run up against an unforeseen consequence of locking away your Little Rascal. Your plan is to be in a chastity device for the longer term - so how do you engage in other forms of sexual pleasure with your partner and how do you please them without The Big Man standing at attention?

Let’s address the cage in the room - if you think that the only way to please a partner is with what exists between your legs, you’ve got some learning to do, my friend. Pleasure comes in many forms - and it’s probably for the best if you’ve now got to do a little bit of "out of the box" thinking about pleasure.

The first thing to do, if you’re not already 100% confident, is to get comfy and talk to your partner. Ask them what they enjoy experiencing, what they wish you did more of both inside and outside of the bedroom and if there’s anything new they want to try now that you are a willing supplicant due to your Caged Condition.

One thing that might surprise you is you might ask your partner what makes them happy - and instead of the answer being in regards to sex or any physical things (particularly if your partner is female) - is they’ll talk about household things. You doing the dishes or sorting the clothes wash unprompted are likely to be high on the list! So why is that? Well, for women, a lot of the emotional labour of running the household falls to them because of societal expectations - which also means a lot of constant low-level stress. By being engaged in the household tasks and being proactive (instead of having to be asked or prompted), you’re demonstrating consideration for your partner and also reducing that constant stress. Reduced stress levels means more free brain capacity - which ends up giving your partner the ability to enjoy and be more engaged in other areas of your life - including your sex and kink life.

That’s number 1 down - put in the graft in the house, and be more proactive. Your partner/s are more relaxed and things are going great between you. You’re locked in your chastity device and chastity play is being more incorporated into your bedroom activities. Now that you’re getting down to business, how else can you please your partner?

We spoke to Mistress K and Slave D at the House of Denial - a website that sells chastity devices run by a couple who are into chastity - and asked them for some tips.

Mistress K suggested training activities to help partners understand what they enjoy without involving the male phallus. "Unfortunately many men get bored with giving female partners oral pleasure - and also some are just not very good at it. Like any skill, you need to put time and effort into it and train. Don’t forget the tongue is a muscle too," she told us before explaining that there are people conditioned by things like porn and their peers that vulvas are smelly, should smell like roses and don’t require much involvement to get going. "Wrong, wrong, wrong," Mistress K proclaims, "men tend to understand if a car needs a bit of tenderness and warming up before they really get going. This logic also applied to your partner."

In the book "Come As You Are" by Dr Emily Nagoski, she talks about spontaneous and responsive desire. Some people experience spontaneous desire - where you feel horny and your body responds to this mental desire - whereas others experience responsive desire - where you respond to the physical desire and "get into the mood." Dr Nagoski uses some binary gender lines (which she has since acknowledged) that men tend to predominantly experience spontaneous desire and women lean more to responsive desire. Therefore if you are in a relationship, it’s worth considering if your partner needs some ‘warming up’.

Start with things like just getting naked and touching each other. This might get slightly uncomfortable if you’re wearing a chastity device and start to get aroused, but try to remain in your body and on your partner. It’s amazing how hot a ‘plain old kiss and cuddle’ session can get.

Other things, as Mistress K suggested, are the oral side - spend some time using your mouth on your partner. This could be between their legs, but remember the body has multiple erogenous zones - kiss behind their knees, their sides, their collarbones and see what reactions you get. Suck fingers or toes, lick along the lines of their body, trail your tongue over any tattoos or freckles or birthmarks. Worship their body.

Continue this with other things like your fingers and sex toys, if you both want to involve those. Watch the reactions of your partner - repeat the things that make them bite their lip or gasp or moan and rethink any activities that make their nose crinkle or their shoulders tense or they explicitly say they’re not enjoying that. Don’t worry and don’t take it personally - these things take practice and patience.

If your partner wants to progress to some form of penetrative pleasure, but wanting you to remain caged - do not fret. Slave D told us that a great way to meet those needs is to put a strap-on and a harness on. Some companies sell thigh harnesses so your partner can straddle you but the majority of harnesses are designed to be worn over the pelvic area. Slave D and Mistress K both agree that using a strap-on in conjunction with a chastity device is "unspeakably hot". "It melts the mind because physically it’s like ‘normal’ intercourse but you’re not experiencing that physical sensation," Slave D said.

"Some people think that strap ons are only used by Dommes or by queer couples, but with a bit of creative thinking, it can be an amazing addition to your intimate activities," Mistress K encouraged and emphasised that there’s nothing inherently shameful in experiencing or providing pleasure.

As with all things, different things will work for different couples so we highly recommend trying out a whole host of things and seeing what fits your relationship dynamic the best.